i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
