So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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