My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
