Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
