Nicole vs. Life
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
she told me i tasted like america
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
