Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
