Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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