Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
50% drunk capacity currently
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
