I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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