When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
