two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
