Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize
