Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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