i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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