You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Randomize
