i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
