Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
