I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
