I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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