i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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