Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Mom said you looked used
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
