Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
