I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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