last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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