She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
