Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
