I think I won the penis lottery.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
