The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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