Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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