you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
