what if every blade of grass was a penis?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
