I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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