I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
