I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
