I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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