literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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