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If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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