WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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