Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
