Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
