I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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