He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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