Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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