i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
