so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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