Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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