So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
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