No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
