can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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