Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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