Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
