I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
