how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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